My Christmas Wish: A Classic Film House

Dear Santa,

How are you? Did you have a nice Autumn? I cannot believe we are just a few weeks away from your big night. I have no doubt you are busy with the many little children of the world demanding the treasures from your toy shop. But would you consider making the wish come true for a 39-year-old man? Perhaps looking into the treasures of your home bank or vault?

My wish this Christmas is to own a film house like this one:

Now before you discard this letter, sent via blog post, hear me out.

Remember television guides? Not just the branded ones at the grocery store checkout. The ones that came once a week in your local newspaper. Does the North Pole have a local newspaper? Are they hiring? Are you the type of guy who stays up on current events with subscriptions to the major international papers?

Every Saturday in the 90s and early 2000s, I would scour our Saturday newspaper for three things: new television listings, movie show times and the funnies. Our newspaper, the Guelph Mercury, would send a supplementary television guide that allowed me to plan my week's viewing in advance. Come late November, a thicker guide would be included in the Saturday paper. This would contain all the Christmas, Hannukah and other holiday special episodes to fill my calendar.

Hundreds, nay, thousands of hours have been poured into creating my own schedules. The regularly scheduled programs would air their Christmas episodes. Like Home Improvement's Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor competing against his neighbour, Doc Johnson, for best Christmas lights display. Or what mayhem will the Olsen twins share with Uncle Jesse, Joey and the gang in Full House? Thank goodness that ABC's TGIF line-up would join in the merriment, am I right? I'm sure you had your spells with the Spellmen witches or your woes with Cory and Topanga. All to celebrate you, my big guy.

The television guide was my guide to creating a perfect holiday viewing schedule. It included the made-for-TV movies that have long since disappeared. Now switched out for the Hallmark channel's never-ending parade of romance under the mistletoe. Not my cup of cider, I must say. No, I prefer rare finds like CTV's Stolen Miracles, which came out in 2001 and was about a baby who was kidnapped on Christmas eve. Nothing like a last minute scramble to find the perfect gift or lost child ahead of the big night.

Also listed were all the other popular features and movies that made us merry and bright. Rudolph, Frosty and Charlie Brown are continued staples in holiday line-ups (except on CBC, which always advertises Rudolph but cannot secure the licensing rights to actually air it). Now you can just watch these on-demand. Or if you are like me, through my DVD collection. Thank you for the DVD player, by the way. It does make for a happier holiday when you can watch these in the way I store in my heart.

Back to why I want the movie theatre, please. Hopefully I have conveyed my admiration for film and television. I want a place where I can share my hidden gems and quirky ideas for a great day or night of watching cinematic masterpieces. I want to welcome nostalgic nerds like myself in, give them a cozy space to curl up and watch an afternoon of 90s cartoons or forgotten films. It reminds me of visiting small cinema houses, which just warmer than the colossal theatres. No new releases for me.

Maybe a sample schedule will help you, Santa. Here are some of my ideas for line-ups and theme nights, to make for magical moments:

• 90s Animation Classics: not to steal GlobalTV's line-up, but I would show the 1996 Christmas Specials picks. Tiny Toon Adventures, Animaniacs, Pinky & the Brain and throw in some classic Simpsons
• Adult animation night: While The SImpsons can cross the line into this category, I am thinking South Park, Beavis & Butthead, Family Guy and Robot Chicken. A night of laughter for the big kids
• A Leslie Nielsen double feature ofAll I Want for Christmas and Santa Who? Leslie plays Santa Claus in both productions and he should have represented you more.
• A Canadian double feature of two made-for-TV movies: An Avonlea Christmas and Stolen Miracles. Celebrating the Canadian talent and opposite Christmas vibes both movies have to offer.
• TGIF night with a full line-up of Boy Meets World, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and Step by Step. A smattering of Full House, Family Matters and Dinosaurs. I would include classics like The Brady Bunch, but also Roseanne, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Home Improvement. Family friendly classics that ring in the holidays while enjoying all the snacks wanted on a chilly Friday night.
• International films and specials like Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean, Christmas Survival and Da Kath & Kim Code. What else can be added to this list? Suggest it in the comments and also offer a food pairing.
• The Family Stone and host a debate: Are the Stones a bad family? All while enjoying homemade Strada.
• Costume contests for iconic films like National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation or A Christmas Story. All while enjoying the holiday foods the films showcase: turkey jerky and cat food for Vacation and Chinese duck for Story.

(Here's an interpretation of me  when a new television guide came into our house.)

• Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special with celebrity look-a-likes, handmade cards and scantily-clad construction works building things out of fruit cake.
• The world needs to know more about One Magic Christmas so this would be a highlight. Included would be the short documentary Phil and I participated in.

Previews would be a mixture of classic movie trailers, commercials and Saturday Night Live clips. The snack bar would be lined with themed treats, as well as the super salty popcorn sold in garbage bags. 

I promise, Santa, that this won't be like the hamsters. I promise to take care of this year round, use it every day, and even honour you when the time is appropriate. You would be making the dreams come true of a 39-year-old boy.

If not this, can I have Moon Shoes? I always wanted those too.

Thank you.

Love, Ron.